(These newly found installments are respectfully submitted in homage to the original Book Of Jobbing by Steven J. Hashimoto.)

BOOK OF JOBBING VI: NEBULON TAKES A TRUST FUND JOB

And so it was that the great leader Nebulon did receiveth a call from the Contractor Noah, and Noah did sayeth to him: “Nebulon, Why Hast Thou not payeth thy Union Dues for the past year-and-a-half? For I have for thee a Trust Fund gig, and it shall bringeth scale to many of thy sidemen with which they might buy fuel for their chariots and bread for their families to eateth of.”

And Nebulon did answer thus: Fool! Dost thou not knowest that scale is barely enough to buyeth a cheeseburger from the street vendors on the way to the gig? Dost thou not knowest that my trumpet section will refuse to show up for anything less than living wages? Take thy scale and double it, plus add cartage for the drummer and doubling wages thrice for each of the sax players who bloweth also of the clarinets though their sound doth resemble the wailing of felines, and the flutes though their tone is airy, and the soprano saxes though their intonation doth offend.

And Noah responded thus: Thou puttest me in a very awkward position, Nebulon. On one hand, the gig does not payeth enough for the doubling wages and cartage wages to be lauded unto the horn players. The gig does not payeth enough for the threads in thy jobbing toga to be repaired or even dry-cleaned. The gig does not payeth enough for thy pension fund to be contributed to, nor does it payeth anything for thee to hire a decent soundman and thus thou shall be forced to schlep thine own PA gear across the desert for 40 days and 40 nights in the blazing midday sun. And not only does the gig not payeth for all these things, but since it is a Trust Fund gig, thou shall wait a hundred and forty-four days and nights before thou receiveth thy check in the mail. But heareth me out:

And thus spake Noah to the great leader Nebulon: On the hand of the other, this gig shall bring joy to the small children and the medium sized children and indeed the children of all sizes and shapes who cannot afford to pay thy high ticket prices in normal concert halls. And thou and thy band can playeth thy hippest licks and thou can tell thy trumpet players that they may play the high notes to high heaven until the walls of Jericho fall, and thou can tell thy saxophonists that they may blow all of their Coltrane and Parker licks to their hearts’ content, and thou may even feature thy bassist on a 20-minute Jaco solo and lo, the children will applaud this, for indeed they do not know any better.

And Nebulon replied to Noah thusly: Noah, now thou putteth me in an awkward position. For although the children would make a fine audience, and although the trumpet players will surely rejoice at being able to play the highest high notes, and yea, even though the saxes shall blow the righteous bebop licks all too eagerly, the Sidemen shall indeed clamor and gnash their teeth incessantly about the low wages, and their clamoring and gnashing of teeth shall rise to a deafening volume, and it shall be I who they clamor and gnash their teeth to, not thee. And they shall refuse to pay work dues, and they shall refuse to report their income, and they shall even offer up their union cards in burnt sacrifice. And they will find ways to be “busy” on the night of the gig and will not be above working for the Unholy Lounge Singer, and they will bringeth showers on stage to cleanse themselves from the evil slime of the Unholy Lounge Singer but yea still they will work for him because he pays on time and in cash.

And Noah prayed, for he did not know how to solve this.

Suddenly from on high there came a blazing white light and the blaring of seventy-six trombones. And Noah was bewildered, for he knew not how so many trombones could play in closed thirds without sounding like mud. And the LORD spake unto Noah, “I am the Lord thy God and in me, all chord voicings are possible.” And Noah’s bewilderment was at an end. The LORD said unto Noah, “Thou must go out and find Corporate Sponsorship. For it is written that although the Trust Fund payeth peanuts, the merchants and the money lenders will match the Trust Fund shekel for shekel in exchange for a nice tax writeoff.”

Noah thanked the LORD for his wisdom and guidance and offered up a burnt pot of Top Ramen in sacrifice and went out in the world to talk to the merchants and money lenders.

The Twenty-Third Job

The Leader is my shepherd, I shall not starve;

He maketh me sit down in powder blue tuxedos.

He leadeth me beside shrill vocalists;

He restoreth my wallet.

He leadeth me in dance halls of gratuitousness;

for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the kitchen or the back hallway

I will fear no evil;

For thou art paying me.

Thy baton and thy charts

they showcase me.

Thou preparest a chair for me

in the presence of mine audience;

thou countest off my chart with vigor,

my beer spilleth over.

Surely Goodman and Miller shall follow me

all the days of my life;

and I shall dwell in the house of the Band forever.

Blessed are the poor in cash, for theirs is the wedding gig.

Blessed are those who blow changes, for they shall be soloists.

Blessed are the sight readers, for they shall inherit the section parts.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for dinner on the break, for they

shall be satisfied;

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall never play an accordion.

Blessed are the pure in tempo, for they shall be drummers.

Blessed are the Bassplayers, for they shall be bored.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for the sake of playing 'In the Mood'

one more time, for theirs is the kingdom of Mortgage Payments.

Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of

evil against you falsely on my bandstand. Rejoice and be glad, for your

reward is great at the end of the night, for also did men persecute the

trombonists who were before you.

The Sideman's Prayer (Protestant version)

Our Leader, who art in Tails,

Figurehead be thy name.

Thy downbeat come, thy will be done

on stage as it was in Miller's.

Give us this gig our daily check,

And forgive us our bebop licks

as we forgive those who play a tritone sub against us.

And lead us not into bad wedding gigs

but deliver us from Guy Lombardo.

For thine is the countoff, and the cutoff, and the paycheck

Forever.

Amen.

---

Hail Bandleader, full of gigs, the Sideman is with thee;

Blessed art thou amongst Musicians, and Blessed is the Fruit by the Deviled

Eggs, next to the carved Prime Rib and fleshy Salmon which we as humble sidemen,

do get to partake of, as stipend and in lieu of the higher wages thou couldst

pay us, but pocket instead in our names, thus;

Give us this day, yet another phone call, so as to conflict us in thought and

deed, for we all knoweth that as soon as we accept ye repartes, thus shall we

get the next call for the same date at double the wages, closer in town and cast

away of the dreaded powder blue badge of shame.

Holy Bandleader, Mother of all things in Business (also known as MoFo), pray for

us sinners, reedmen, hornmen, string men and percussive catz, before the gig, in

prayer that we meet thy dreaded downbeat despite rush hour traffic, during our

session, that we shall not make the bad bop notes, nor the tritone sub in the

dreaded Glen Miller tune, nor lest we imbibe of the redder then thy face holy

vino in excess, to the point of copping feeleth off the bride in full view of

thee, and at the hour of the last song, when we are weak of character and ratty

of tux and wish to play in the heavenly, but complex style of St. Ornette of

Coleman or the Miles' Apostle, John of Scofield ...all these things, and lots

more that time not permits this infidel to smite at the moment, do we ask of

thee, till the last flick of the bic on the check grazes from thine eyes to

ours; and thus thuss, so it is written, so let it be cashed...