Bandleading 101: The Rules of Acquisition for Bandleaders (adopted from the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, with apologies to Star Trek.)

(Note: some of the Rules have been lost to antiquity. If you have any information on any of the missing rules, please email it to pete@petepetersen.com)

1. Say it with me, now: Plausible Deniability.

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4. Never arrive too high to take care of Bidness. (adopted from Drug Dealing 101: “Never arrive too high to score.”)

5. If you do arrive too high to take care of bidness, make sure you have “peeps” whom you can trust to take care of it for you.

6. Remember that if your peeps are unable to take care of your bidness for you, it’s your own ass that’s on the line.

7. Schmooze whenever and wherever you can, with whomever you can.

8. But whatever you do, don’t try to dance with the wedding guests while the band vamps.

9. A good agent is worth his/her weight in gold-pressed latinum, or at least 15% of the gig’s total pay after taxes, cartage, travel expenses, room expenses, etc.

10. A bad agent is less scrupulous than most used car salesmen.

11. If you can tell the difference between a good agent and a bad agent, you’ll rule the universe. If you can’t tell the differernce, you’d better just assume they’re all trying to rip you off and leave it at that.

12. Success is contagious… Failure doubly so.

13. The less you know about music, the more famous you will be.

14. Fame is not necessarily a measure of success.

15. There’s no business like it… No business I know.

16. The public has a very short attention span and will soon grow tired of your schtick.

17. If it works, use it in the act until it gets tired.

18. If it’s tired, retire it.

19. Unless it’s original, it’ll get tired.

20. Get some writers.

21. Reinvent yourself from the ground up every three years.

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24. Remember your sidemen, and keep them well-fed unless you plan to fire ‘em.

25. If you plan to fire one of your sidemen, remember this: Calling them on the telephone to deliver the news is crass and tactless. “Not” calling them on the phone appears to be common practice.

26. Sidemen are like rats. As long as they stay well-fed, they’ll stay loyal; but once the food supply starts to disappear, they’ll be the first to jump ship.

27. If they hang on and wait for more crumbs to fall, refer to rules #22, 23, and 24.

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30. Make sure you’ve got a rider.

31. Your rider should include a clause about Green M&M’s – if for no other reason, just to see if anyone’s paying attention.

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34. Exposure is something you can die from.

35. If an Agent asks you to play for free in exchange for “exposure” or free advertising or anything else, repeat the following 4 words: IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!!

36. If you feel the need to expose yourself, get a trench coat and go hang out down by the waterfront, because that’ll do more for your career than playing for free will..

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